Mortality. The Merriam Webster Dictionary reminds us that being mortal means that we are subject to death. Mortality, then, means the state or quality of being mortal. To face my mortality means that I face the fact that I am subject to death.

This fact of life has brutally forced its way into my consciousness these past ten days with the very sudden passing of one of my co-workers. One day he was alive. And now he's dead. There is virtually nothing left of him on this earth. Except the genetics that he has passed on to his daughter and the memories implanted into the brains of those that knew him.

And what of me? And my mortality? Oh, it's not that I haven't thought of it before. Like most people, I've contemplated my own life and death. A couple of years ago I had one of those "cancer scares". I had a couple of weeks to consider what it might be like to be dying. To consider what my mark on the world might be. What do I leave behind? The answers then, as now, remain somewhat bleak. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself or anything, but aside from all of the wonderful memories people will have of me and the genetics that I pass on to my son, what have I left the world that is of any real value? And is it important to leave the world with something other than my memory?

When I go camping I often take younger children with me - nieces, nephews, etc. I try to teach these kids to leave the place we are staying in better condition than when we arrivrd. We try to pick up all of our own trash, plus that left behind by others. We try to ensure that the place is pristine for the next people to use our spot. If I were to die tonight, will I have left the world in a better place than when I arrived? Some might say yes, but it's difficult to nail down such a concept when one hasn't accomplished anything specific.

Yes, it's true that I touch the hearts of people whenever I can. I try to be kind and thoughtful and to do good deeds. I try to model compassion and kindness. I have been politically active but I haven't been successful in stopping the bodies that I've tried to stop. It's true that, as a child protection worker, I've rescued children from horrendous living situations.

The question causes me to contemplate what more I can do. I feel even more driven to complete my education so that I can have a greater impact on others that I'm working with. I feel even more driven to write the things that I need to say so that my words will outlast my body.

And it occurs to me that in this way I "cling" to life. In this way I attach myself to my desire to make a difference in the world. Ahhh, the trappings of being mortal.

The Enchantment

I joined some friends at a play tonight. It was called "The Enchantment" and was created by local people. The director is Heather Inglis, a very talented live theater director. It was fabulous; it touched one of those spots in my unconcious around the dark or shadow side. The play was filled with myth and metaphors. And original music and songs that were amazing and whose sounds still haunt me.

I love live theater. It's only been in the past couple of years that I've started attending. The atmosphere is usually charged with anticipation and excitement. Most of the theaters are small enough that the audience is "up close and personal" with the actors.

It was a great show.

Today I received an e.mail telling me that I have been "provisionally accepted" into the Masters of Pastoral Psychological counselling Program at St. Stephen's university. I'm very excited about this. Pastoral counseling looks at counseling as a form of ministry and offers the opportunity to incorporate spirituality into counseling.I'm happy about this news.

I've been reading the school's calender for the past couple of years but it's never been the correct time. Over the past six months I've been feeling a really strong calling and so finally met with someone from the school and after I did that, I became convinced that I needed to apply.

This is an example of my following my intuition. Although, intellectually I've been really interested in the program for awhile, I just knew it wasn't the right time. Now I know that it is. I have no idea where this is going to lead me, but I trust that there is a Divine plan for this.

Yay!

A Bit About Writing

I like to write, and I think of myself as a writer. One of my intentions in "blogging" is to try to expose myself as a writer a bit more. Of course, if no one reads my blogs, I'm safe.

I'm entertaining the idea of posting some of my short stories on the blog. It is an exposure of sorts, however. I write because it fulfills a necessary drive in me. There are stories in me that want out, and I have to tell them. But in the telling, I expose bits of myself and in sharing the stories, I create a vulnerability. Suddenly you, the reader, can see me in a different way. I open myself up for judgement.

I've written a book...and intend to have it published once I've worked through the anxiety of it. And now I'm working on short stories. And then perhaps a novel.

I was talking with a close friend tonight about religion. We were talking about the ways that religion serves people. I'm interested in what others might have to say about this.

What I suspect is that people who desire / need / more extrinsic controls in their lives tend to be drawn to more "controlling" kinds of religions. That is, traditions that tend to have very black and white kinds of rules. In the more obvious way, I've seen examples of people who have had chaotic and complex kinds of lives be drawn to very structured churches. These churches offer very clear guidelines for how to live and tell people how they should be thinking about important issues.

People who have more intrinsic centers of control tend to be more drawn to traditions that have more flexibility in their structures; their rules, so to speak. In fact, people who have more intrinsic centers of control would be more likely to rebel against traditionally strict religions.

And it's not that I'm saying one is better than the other; it's just interesting to think about what draws someone to something. Another question that I have is whether people are naturally born with more or less ability to have intrinsic controls (the old nature vs nurture discussion). As a parent, it was much more important to me that my son be able to think clearly and independently make decisions about right and wrong that weren't based on fear. Now, I think that all of us make some decisions based upon "fear of being caught", but whether or not I support gay marriage or divorce or birth control is my own decision rather than a decision made by others and imposed upon me.

Spring Fever

It's after midnight. It's maybe one of the difficulties that I've found with working shift work. My hours get all turned around and so I find myself awake while others sleep. So be it. I get to think during those times. Today I've been thinking about spring fever.

Today, when I woke up, I saw that the sun was shining. The temperature was over 0 degrees finally, and things were melting. How exciting. It's different when it melts in March from when it melts in any other month of the winter. It's different because here in Alberta we know that spring is coming. We know. And I found myself getting more excited. My blood started to run. My heart beat a little faster and I felt happier.

I noticed as I left the house that my neighbours were out. People were smiling and and building little rivers in their yards so that, as the snow melts, the water flowed into the alley instead of forming large puddles in yards. People waved at me....even people I didn't know. Strangers were smiling at each other.

A true Alberta winter (and we haven't had one in some time) leaves people exhausted and longing for reprieve....we Albertans find ourselves longing for a moment of not wearing our parkas and our winter boots. We become tired of the extra weight of all of the clothes. When the sun comes out in March, and the snow begins to melt we sense reprieve. We sense an end to the intensity of our winter. We aren't so naive as to believe that it will stay this warm; but we know, now, that any more snow and cold that follows will be followed with melting. We can see spring right around the corner!